Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.

“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”

-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu

me: can we stop at olive garden

mom: we have family at home

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.

When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”

Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.

Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life

escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single

*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin

{After Eclipse}

Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?

When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.

I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…

People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle

The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live

Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking

I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.

Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

[doing group photography]

ME: now let me take one without the flash

THE FLASH: what the-

REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out

It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago

When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery

,,,and send

Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.

the way turkeys feel about november is probably how treadmills feel about january