sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
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Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Simple enough.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*