Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
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ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
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Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry