Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
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This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
CUTE CAT‼︎
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
how long have you had this for?
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
umm…
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I keep a diary of all the indifferent kisses I’ve had, as one day I’d like to publish my meh mwahs.