Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
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Fun like a LinkedIn notification
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face