Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
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Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak