sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
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As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.