sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
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Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Always a metermaid never a meter