Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
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The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
My humor is broken
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]
I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone