Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better

Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room

When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.

Shut the hell up.

me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories

also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.

My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.

wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]

My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.

So I keep making mistakes.

How dude HOW?!

Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable

why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me

Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n

A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts

*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*

Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did

A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory

Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”

Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.

This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.

The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.

“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th

Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.