Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
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Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
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“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
him: you’re an perfect 10.
me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—
shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”