Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
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Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Never deleting this app.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778