Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
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Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
