Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
You Might Also Like
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.