Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
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Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
*frowns in Scottish*
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.