Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
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I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
broke down and did it
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Handing over my ID at the post office.
The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”
I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
I falcon love using swear birds
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*