Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
