Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
