Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
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Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
The Backseat Boys
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah