Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
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Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order