Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
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I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.