Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
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Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?