Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
just leave it at the foot of the bed
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
