A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
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My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
January is lasting longer than my marriage
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.