Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
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Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…