Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño

I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!

In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”

The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

Hubs: You treat me like a child

Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.

Relationship status update:

It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace

Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.

Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.

What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?

People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas

Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’

My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.

Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.

I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.

My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks

My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.

What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?

My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.

I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence

Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”

Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”

I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.

Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’

Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’

Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?

…and send

My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.

Same girl, same.

Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy

My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?