Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua

Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!

When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.

I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.

from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.

“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”

Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]

Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.

Who else does this 🤦🏽😂

Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.

[buying an engagement ring]

clerk: that will be $10,000

me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh

sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means

Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”

*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.

*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”

*unbuttons pants*

“Not anymore!”

It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.

No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?

7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!

Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?

7yo: I don’t know.

In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics

My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.

Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail

My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…