Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
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At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang