Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
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my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.