Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.

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My Wife’s nickname for me is “Microsoft” because I’m good with computers.


Hold on guys, she’s not done laughing.


Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.


Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.


Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences


The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.


It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.


As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.


well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”


*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*



– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order