@nerdamage

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.

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@LosLos__

My Wife’s nickname for me is “Microsoft” because I’m good with computers.

RIGHT HONEY?

Hold on guys, she’s not done laughing.

@AimeeHelene1

Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.

@Bahstonlady

Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.

@HenpeckedHal

Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences

@TwinSurvivalist

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

@TheWoodenslurpy

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

@Bob_Heller

As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.

@murrman5

well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”

@Marlebean

*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*

@Staggfilms

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order