Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
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[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
his wife is probably gonna see that
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no