Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
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Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors