Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.

Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras

“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.

Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.

black phone good

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.

[Job interview]

Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next

Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit

ㅤ

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book

Do not go gentle into that good night,

I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?

[naming god’s creations]

mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth

insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend

angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant

insect 7: yay!

angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater

mammal 93: ya- wait wut?

Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.

Photobombing Giraffe 😅

Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.

Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.

*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation

“Please be normal”
“Nope”

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.

I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.

If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants