Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
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“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
best first i’ve ever seen
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!