sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
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a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
An odd boast
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!