Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
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i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird