Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
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I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.