Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
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I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once