Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
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Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Put the is in disheveled
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
I’m literally crying
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
