Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
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My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.