Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?

I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.

The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗

I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps

*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*

[cries for 20 minutes]

Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.

men what’s stopping you from looking like this

Them: “two heads are better than one”
Me: “nah i’m good here, this one overthinks enough thanks”

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.

Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]

Here you go!

[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen

A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you

Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant

Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”

[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human

*Takes drive down memory lane

*Gets a DUI

When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.

If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.

If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.

In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.

All of the good tweets are either married or gay.

You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.