Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
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Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
The second world war should have been called world war returns
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker