Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy

Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.

“These are serious allegations”

You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.

9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?

me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.

9: MOM!

When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.

Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.

I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school

I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.

I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.

Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower

Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.

Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.

Me: Piece of cake, babe.

[one week later]

Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.

My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.

Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.

To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names

once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes

My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process

[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]

Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!

Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?

Wife: Never say never

But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?

Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.

i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows

[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.

At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.

I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.

me: my back hurts

doctor: have you tried voting

[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys

People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.

Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?

Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?

Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes

[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]

Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton

Mob boss: Him too