Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
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[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Eat…
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children