Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.

“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”

hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well

Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!

Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!

10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]

Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.

I like my women how I like my straws ….

Bendy and full of liquor.

Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.

They were a jeanious.

Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day

Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.

Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.

Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.

*seductively winces due to lower back pain

*hypnotists breaking up*

four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy

Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it

*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*

shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

Someone from the HOA came a-knockin’. They said something about the community pool needing upkeep. They were asking for donations.

So I handed them a sippy cup full of water.

Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?

-me, as a therapist

remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

BECOME UNGOVERNABLE

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”

Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?

Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly

“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”