Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
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A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
School be like
Cool shirt 🙂
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?