Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.

People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.

You: Hold my beer.

Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*

Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.

He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.

What?!?

No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.

I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.

(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT

Hacker: Give us your password or else

30 minutes later…

Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points

“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex

the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat

My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.

I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film

How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?

[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”

My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”

How’s your morning?

Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”

Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.

When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!

Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)

Me: Mmm, this tastes good.

Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!

It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house

Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.

Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.

[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*