Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
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Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
This is my pinned tweet
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Pretty much. 🤣
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.