Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
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Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
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I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
British people be like I’m Bri ish
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
There’s only one good girl here!
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
people who do mutinies should be called mutants