Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
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Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
I need to get some bricks…
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.