Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
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Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?