Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
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The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide