Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spotted in the wild

Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.

“Trust your gut”

the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure

I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.

Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.

dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?

[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”

[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy

Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!

[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.

Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose

Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?

Derek: You wanna go out again some time?

Stephanie: Sure, name the date!

Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’

Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago

Trying to keep the riff raff away.

[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.

Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”

[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]

Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.

I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”

Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.