Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.

This line from Airplane.

3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?

If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah

Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind

…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.

HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?

ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one

I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.

It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.

I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it

If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.

Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha

*wakes up screaming*

Wife: What happened??

Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.

Wife: Silly that’s impossible.

Me: The flying leopard part?

Wife: No, the part about you jogging.

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.

What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?

An acquaintance

eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft

Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.

just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot

I like my women how I like my microwaved food.

Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?

Me: I got the dirt off.

Wife: What does that mean?

Me: *hides the leaf blower*

Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

God: take it

Satan: no you take it

God: no you take it

Satan: i dont want it

God: well its no good to me

Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name

If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.

Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies