Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
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Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Good lord
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage