Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I might have a shower.

*checks*

Yes, I have a shower.

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.

Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.

This could be us… but you playing

Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty

Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!

(Line goes dead)

Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”

“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.

*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*

I’m here, Mistress.

*eats everything*
*dies*

As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.

*gazing up at stars*

Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?

Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper

Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?

Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–

Adults: ITS THE PHONES

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes

I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill

Feels like there should be a middle ground

Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.

I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture

Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.

NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.

Parenting is easy

Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable

If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.

gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t

I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂

Hear me out: WrestleVania

Nicholson: You want answers?!

Cruise: I want the truth!!

Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?