Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
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Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:
“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.