Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”

I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.

YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN

Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.

My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.

I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs

“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.

i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years

thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*

GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets

ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.

*violence noises

governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.

Bread, a tale of tears

I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.

Incredibly it tasted amazing

HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this

HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”

Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?

If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.

[at Victoria’s Secret]

*folding panties on table*

“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”

Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*

Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.

*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

Momma, I hid my milk!

-A Parenting Horror Story

I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.