Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
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me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I have two kinds of followers
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me