Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
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Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Leftovers are for quitters!
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.