Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
You Might Also Like
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
i actually laughed 😩
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.