Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
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My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
liiiiiiiiike
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.