Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
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Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Thursday
