Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.

“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”

Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.

But is it really??

Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:

-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip

Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation

Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.

I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.

Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?

Amazon Customer Service: …what

*reindeer smoking in interrogation room*

…*exhale*…

…Old broad was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”

My typo game is string.

My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart

I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos

I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here

“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”

If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”

Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.

If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”

For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.

Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.

“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was

Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.

Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.

every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble

Mike is short for Micycle

federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes

*Knocks on Misery’s door*

Me: Hey! I heard you love company.

Misery *through mail slot*: not you

I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.