Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
You Might Also Like
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
I have always wanted to do this 😭😭
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine