Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
You Might Also Like
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…