Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
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A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
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The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again