Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry

Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?

She’s fine she’s just an idiot.

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

Respect

If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.

A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”

biblically accurate fire hydrant

guilty

wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?

Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.

I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.

Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard

everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

water it, i dare you

Rejected Candy Hearts:

– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free

My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.

My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.

Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?

4 Year Old: Chocolate

Me: You really are my child.

While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.

They grow up so fast.

Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?

Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins

Wedlock even sounds like a threat.

me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!