If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
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anyone else like Italian cereal
Angel: we need to make more creatures
Angel: you killed them all
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
I walked in on my 13 year old boy watching YouTube videos and I was mortified…
What kind of psychopath watches Bob Ross at 13?
[at a spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is SPELL.
Witch: *mumbles something under her breath*
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.