Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
You Might Also Like
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.