Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?

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If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?


Angel: we need to make more creatures

God: why?

Angel: you killed them all


Angel: giant meteor..

God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute

Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot

God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something


I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.


My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.


If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?


I walked in on my 13 year old boy watching YouTube videos and I was mortified…

What kind of psychopath watches Bob Ross at 13?


[at a spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is SPELL.

Witch: *mumbles something under her breath*

Judge: Ribbit


DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.

ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.