Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
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Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
all bases covered
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop