Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
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Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
After 35, your body ages in dog years
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.